Hello? Is it Me You’re Looking For?

This has been the hardest thing for me and I can’t figure out why.

Well…deep down, I DO know why but I really don’t want to admit it. Because to admit it would be too hard, too deep, too painful to confess. Especially to you, someone I don’t know. Hopefully soon, we’ll change that. But for now, we are perfect strangers.

I want to use this as a catalyst to help people, to share what I have to say but then comes those nagging thoughts:

“What do I have to say?…Is it even important or worthy of anyone reading?”

So where has this left me?  Well…Here I am…

Trembling over my keyboard terrified of putting my thoughts to written word and then to the web where anyone can post one comment that could completely tear me down. You see, in all my people-pleasing, I’ve handed over my self-worth and self-esteem to others for so long that I don’t know how to find myself aside from what others think of me anymore.

This is where the perfectionism takes hold and offers that soothing false sense of comfort:

“If you were perfect enough, everyone would love you and you could say what you want without fear of sounding stupid or hurting someone’s feelings.”

Wouldn’t that be grand?

Yah. It would. If there were any sense of truth in that. But unfortunately I’ve based most of my life around this concept and so in my striving to be perfect, I’ve accomplished to have little self-worth or sense of accomplishment in my life.

It’s never good enough, perfect enough, it can always be BETTER.

Come on! You can do better than this! You HAVE to do better than this.

Your parents will never love you, your friends will never respect you, your family will never stop looking down at you if don’t. Or even if everyone does think what I did was great, I still can manage to find that one dark lining in the silver cloud to make it seem like it wasn’t quite perfect enough. And I have PLENTY of examples of this that we can dig into later… 🙂

My perfectionism has really kicked into high gear lately because I’m in my 4th recovery from laparoscopic surgery (more on this later). This recovery has been particularly difficult for me and so I’m even harder on myself. I’m my own mean drill sergeant yelling at myself for every setback in my recovery.

Sounds SUUUPER HEALTHY, right?

But I’ve realized something lately. I’ve lost myself in the shuffle of life the past 29 years, especially since the last 5 have been engulfed in chronic health battles. In my striving for perfection, I don’t know who I am anymore. I guess as my 30th birthday starts to loom over me, I see this startling fact more clearly now.

So I hope through this experience, we can help each other out. In sharing my thoughts, hopes, fears and life struggles with you, maybe you can help me find myself again. And hopefully, you can find a bit of use from the ramblings of a recovering perfectionist as she recovers not so well from her continuous surgeries and health struggles.

Let’s get to know each other, and if you are brave, feel free to join me on this adventure. Hang on, because I’m sure it’ll be one crazy ride! Or not.

You know what they say: Over promise and under deliver!

No? That’s not right you say?…Ah well! Read on, brave one, read on!